Bob's Corn Maze of Silty Death

Well folks... it's been SLOOOOW lately. Not much excitement from the road, or the home front. So its story time...about two innocent boys named Ayric and Phil and what happened on a dark and rainy night about a year ago.

Phil (good friend, co-condo-dweller, and awesome cook) invited me just about a year ago to attend a "singles and young couples" gathering hosted by some great folks from his church. This particular event was quite well attended and I met some nice people over dinner and a few drinks. All well and good, until the second part of the evening. You know how in horror films how everything seems too good, too quiet, too happy at the start? Same thing here...

Flash-even-more-back... Phil and I had attended a conference earlier that day at another Church in town. While not in our Sunday best, we weren't slouches either. I was wearing a new pair of black Rockports for the event. This important to remember, as I retell that fateful evening.

As the meal wraps up, the announcement goes out that people will be departing shortly for the Corn Maze. I guess you could say I grew up in the "city" only if by growing up in the country means you visited a corn maze. I had not. Phil mentioned a Corn Maze and it didn't set off any red flags. I think I imagined something about 12' by 12' for the little kids to run through, daylight streaming though the crisp clear fall air, and lots of hot cider and pumpkins around. I was right about the pumpkins.

My radar started to register the impending doom of our situation when people started changing. They wore pretty typical street casual wear at the meal. Now they came back looking like they were either going to a Gallagher concert or an all-you-can-eat ribs night at Tony Roma's. Boots were offered, but they were kid's size 5, not the ski size 14 that I needed.

So we drive out to the country. By now it's quite dark (being fall and all). Eventually we arrive at Farmer Bob's Corn Maze. The place is packed! I'm starting to feel better thinking that it's not as bad as people were thinking. However no sooner had this thought come to my mind than, Farmer Bob drove his John Deer out of the darkness, up the road from his "maze", with some of the most miserable people heaped on to his hay trailer. Imagine about 20-30 folks, looking like they had been pulled out of the North Atlantic, bouncing, flopping and flailing around on a very unsafe hay trailer. All of them looked dressed for a season of crabbing off the coast of Alaska. Also, it started to rain. I had only a leather jacket.

At this point, I'm certain that I won't be going into Bob's little sick trap. I'm smarter than that... I know when I've not adequately prepared for an undertaking and this was the mother of all inadequately prepared undertakings! I decide its time for my hot cider, which I am a huge fan of. I get my cup of apple-ly goodness when I notice that Bob either had a bad corn/pumpkin crop or was a protégé of P.T Barnum. He’s CHARGING for his hellish ride and soul-stealing adventure. I turn to Phil and I say that there is NO WAY I’m paying 5 bucks to get dumped a dark and rainy corn field wearing my new dress shoes and only a leather jacket. Oh and we don’t even have a flashlight. The moment the last syllable was out of my mouth… this gal in our group literally appears out of thin air, right in front of me, and says in a very loud voice, “What?! Are you CHEAP?!” At this point the whole joint goes quiet and all eyes are on me. I got called out… and pride goes before the fall. I pay my five bucks, grab a map, find the complementary “galoshes” (plastic grocery bags… I doubled bagged each foot) and someone was kind enough to give us a glow stick for light. We all load up on Farmer Bob’s sadistic hay trailer and go bounding down the dark, muddy road to our eventual doom.

The ride took years off my life. Imagine standing on a drenched wooden floor and dropping down into corn field much like the waterfalls in Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. I was certain that if I had fallen off the cart at this point, my body would have never been found. (which made me wonder if there were previous passengers missing). There was mud EVERYWHERE. Oh yeah, Farmer Bob’s wicked maze was on a silty flood plain. The trailer is basically drug through the sloppy mess. Finally we stop… in practically the pitch dark.

With trusty glow stick in hand, we have to walk to the front of the maze. Phil and I team up with another guy Andrew to help tackle this Herculean task. Before we start, I try to orient myself using the map. Holding the weak glow light next to the paper I can make out patches of light green, and lighter green. It looks like we fell pray to another one of Farmer Bob’s evil jokes. Instead of getting an actual aerial shot of the 4 acre maze, he just got a 9 foot ladder to just crest the tops of the 8 foot corn and snapped a picture. This was then photocopied, faxed, photocopied again, thrown in the garbage, fished out, faxed and then photocopied to make what was called "the map". Basically, I could see the parts of the maze that went North-South, but nothing that went East-West. So we started off. The trick was to essentially cross country ski using plastic-bag feet and sliding through the silt. If you were to lift a foot off the ground the other would instantly lose traction and send you on your butt.

Holding the weak green glow stick as high as I could and skiing through slit, we come to our first fork in the road. Farmer Bob strikes again with agricultural questions. He must be doing night classes for his PhD in Gourd Sciences and Corn Landscaping with an emphasis in Bad Ideas. The questions are something like, “If you grow corn on a 72 hectares of land and pumpkins on a 3 square mile patch with a train leaving Chicago at 8:45pm going 55 mph, how many people could you bilk for five bucks?” You were then given a list of answers with corresponding directions. So the answer “1-1000” would have been “go back”, “1000-3000” was “left”, “3000-6000” was “right” and “depends how many fell off the hay trailer” was “start digging”

Luckily Farmer Bob is not used to someone who got though college on multiple choice tests. And of course Phil knew a lot of the answers despite going to college for Finance. I suspect that he hung out with a lot of 4H’ers back in the day.

Well after a harrowing hour, we found our way out, and we were the first. Not that anyone noticed. We gathered our band of brave souls and headed back in Farmer Bob’s muddy death sled. Getting back to the relative safety and civilization of the barn, I got a chance to see the damage to the shoes. They were coated in mud, but a good spray down got them back in shape, not too much worse for wear.

So what’s the moral of the story? Always be prepared. Rural folks are a lot more crafty than you think. If a gal calls you cheap, tell her that you are, save $5 and possibly your life.

Brooks & Dunn: Deuces Wild Tour

Wow... had a great night with good pal and occasional condo-mate, Mr. P (aka Phil). We got tickets a while back for the local appearance of a great musical act, Brooks and Dunn. Yeah, yeah... the "Boot Scootin' Boogie" guys. I don't dig that song, but since then... they have put out alot of great tunes and put on an even greater show. They were preceded by the Warren Brothers (they are "barely famous" because they are "barely country" music) and Big and Rich (country music's new rebel/hippy/hip-hop/cannabis influenced act).

Much apologies about the lack of B&D pictures... my camera died (typical) just as they came on. The pictures I did get were good... I'm starting to figure out this whole digital photography thing.

Here's the pictures

Horse Auction and off to Montana!

I'm back, briefly... it's hard to find an Internet connection in the middle of the Rocky Mountains!

As I mentioned before in my last post, I went to a Horse Action... here's a few tips if your friend invites you to one.

1) Ask where it is. My assumption... in town (Greater Portland Area). My reality... two hours away down the Columbia Gorge in a town called The Dalles.

2) Ask how long it will take. My assumption... a few hours, we get bored and go home. My reality... 12 hours.

3) Don't stand near scared cows. The stress of being "wrangled" tends to make them... um... poop. Alot.

4) Don't bring alot of money... food doesn't cost more than $4.95.

5) Bring a camera... and here's the pictures

Well now I'm in Montana, going a million miles an hour installing and training computers. Not much time to take pictures, but I'll try to snap some today, because the place is really gorgeous!

Until next time!

On the Road Again...

Just an short update... I was hoping to have some pictures from the road for you all, but I left the proper cord at home. I drove off to Pendleton, Oregon yesterday from Seattle (Kirkland) and wrapped up my work there this afternoon. I'm now hangin' out with my friend Ada and her boyfriend Dan. I guess they want to goto a horse auction / show tomorrow, so I'll pal around with them before heading home.

Sunday afternoon will start another big trip... a week in Montana and Wyoming. Hopefully no snow (please Lord... no snow) and lots of gorgeous pictures to share. Have a great weekend everybody!

New Blog Name.. "The Adventures of Cutie-kins"

So... in typical Ayric/Andy style, I thought I was clever... when really, anyone could see how to easily thwart my poorly planned attempt at blocking the joke. Congrats! So following the old addage, "If you can't beat them, join them" I will now endorse and accept the nickname "Cutie-kins" It beats "Deer-in-the-field", "Andy Dangerfield" (becuase I got no respect in middle school... or now it seems), or my college nickname (for the first 4 years) of "Freshman".

Until next time,

Cutie-kins

Ok, Anonymous... joke's over!

I wasn't sure if I was acutally going to respond to the Anonyomus comments on the blog. If you can't identify who you are, then why do you get a response, right? I've thought the comments were funny and all, and I'm throughly convinced that it's probably my friends showing their sense of humor (which needs work) and making me all embarassed.

However it might not, so in all fairness to this person... and to prove that they might be wrong about my "cutie-kins"-ness... here's a link to pretty much all the personal pics I have. Not much, and some are older than dirt... but "enjoy".

If the comments were made by my friends... haha, LOL, ROFLMAO, you got me, titter-titter... now get to work and stop draging down America's GDP.

Oh, and no more anonyomous commenting... I want to know who you are!

Island Adventure Blog: Day 6, South and West Shores, Waimea Canyon and Flying Home

Well my last day on the Island was a bit busy... trying to cram in everything that I didn't see yet. I hate being rushed and stressed so I didn't enjoy the sights as much as I did the day before. Here's the pictures...

I packed in the morning which made me get a late start... and the leftovers from hurricane Kenneth made the weather pretty crummy at times. But I did see some pretty interesting stuff. I found a coffee farm and roaster. I had never seen coffee plants before and tried their coffee (of course it wasn't Caffe Lusso, but it was still better than Charbucks). It was interesting that they list tea before their coffee on the menu there.

The next site was very beautiful and ugly at the same time. I had found a place listed as Glass Beach online with this strange multi-colored glass in the sand. I thought the glass was naturally occurring. I never heard of such a thing before, so I made it a priority to find the beach. Looking at pictures I found online in relation to some storage silos I saw, I found it. The beach was alot smaller than I thought... and very dirty. There was small bits of mouldering trash. But not nasty stuff like food or diapers... but glass, rubber and metal. This was confusing and I was wondering if it was related to the more industrial nature of the area. As I was taking a few pictures, I noticed a cemetery up the dirt road from the beach. It looked like a nice area to take some wider, establishing shots. I got up there to find the most neglected, hodgepodge of graves I had ever seen. Yet the kanji characters on the tombstones were so delicate and ornate I took a few snapshots. I then went to the cliff edge to get the shots I came for. I noticed as I took a few pictures that there was old rusted engines and transmissions. Gears too. I then saw that the whole cliff face was old garbage... not the modern stuff we throw away today. This was the dump back at the turn of the century. Then they buried the unfortuate people on top of it. This is also where all the glass for the beach was coming from. Old bottles were being eroded off the cliff face, warn down into little bits and deposited on the beach. Weird...both gross and beautiful.

I then visited an old Russian fort (Fort Elizabeth) near the mouth of the Waimea River. This is also the spot where Captain James Cook (famous British sea explorer from the late 1700's) first landed. Up the river from there is a the Menehune Ditch... which doesn't sound or even look like much, but it is said that the infamous Hawaiian little people made the ditch to help the native people irrigate their taro fields.

After that I headed out to Polihale Beach which is 15 minutes down a dirt road. It was worth every bumpy minute however. This was the most beautiful beach I saw the whole trip. It's HUGE and the water is that amazing blue. Very remote and quiet, and I only saw a handful of people. If I had time I would of just sat there all day. If I go back, I'm camping there!

After that I headed up into the Waimea Canyon. They call it the Grand Canyon of Hawaii, but to me it looked even bigger. Amazing views and lots of waterfalls running down the sides of mountains and cliffs. Its not for those who are in a rush though, as the roads are all 25 mph limits and extremely curvy. Also, make sure you gas up before going, otherwise you'll just stress about the gage being past the "E" and have to coast in neutral all the way back into town. Not fun... take it from me. Also if you want really clear views, make sure there is NO chance of rain or clouds that day and go early. It was pouring about half the time I was up there.

So I cruise back into town, jaunting over to the Wailua Falls I missed on other days... in full flood mode... pretty sweet! I didn't have time for the Fern Grotto tour, but there is always next time. I dashed into the Coconut Market place for gift run, and headed to the airport.

So you know about those poor people who get strip searched, flight gets delayed, have the same name as some random terrorist, and then lose their luggage? Yeah, that's not me. My flight home was one of the most easy experiences of my life. The commuter flight to Honolulu was only half full, and there were two cool Hawaiian locals who chatted it up with me. We had a blast for the short 30 minute flight. Then at Honolulu the strangest thing happened. NO ONE was there. I waltzed up to the ticket counter, upgraded to first class, and was the only one to go through the security check point. I couldn't believe how fast it was. As I got to the gate, they were boarding the plane and I was off with mai tai in hand, enjoying not only the huge first class seat but the one next to me that was empty as well. I have to say, first class is worth every dime! I'm so spoiled now, it's gonna be hard to cram into a coach seat, next to a screaming baby, ever again.

So I'm back home! Enjoying the cool, grey, rainy weather; good coffee from the roomie; driving my big ol' work van; and having to get up at was feels like an ungodly hour of 8am (5am Hawaii time).

Thanks for reading about my adventures and checking out my pictures!

Island Adventure Blog: Day 5, The North Shore

Well now I'm finally back home in the Pacific Northwest... I got busy my final two days on the island and didn't want to waste them being on a computer! I was in paradise! Click here for the pictures!

So day 5 was by far the best day there because the North Shore is just amazing. Luckily I did some research online before arriving on the island and found the location of some off-the-road beaches. Anini Beach was one of the best beaches I saw all day... people snorkeling and wind surfing in the most blue water I've ever seen. I also noticed that the surfers will put stickers on signs leading to the best beaches too. I also have some pictures of Hanalei Valley, where they grow Taro root (which Poi is made out of... more on Poi later).

The highlight of the day was hiking a small portion of the 11 mile Kalalau Trail. This has been rated as one of the greatest American hiking trails. I will say it's not for the faint of heart (as you can see in the pictures). It is really steep and very slimy. I saw a few folks with alot of mud on their rears and over most of their legs. Somehow I managed to keep my balance, and get to the top of the first ridge. I got a sweet shot of Ke'e Beach there... just as my camera died. So for all you travelers out there... charge your camera battery before leaving the hotel!

If the Kalalau Trail was the highlight of my day, the Coconut Beach Luau in Kapa'a was the highlight of my evening. Being the only person there by myself was a bit interesting, but I quickly made friends with a group of Danes (that's people from Denmark, Ada... the country North of Germany... but you'd have to know where Germany is) The luau itself was very entertaining, the girls were quite pretty, and the Emcee was as cheesy as Bill Murray's Star Wars lounge act. Best of all was the food... especially the Kalua Pork. It is cooked all day long in a pit heated by lava rocks with pine wood and the pig is wrapped in banana leaves. It has this amazing smokey sweet flavor that I'll never forget. It's a must eat when visiting Hawaii. They also had Poi, which was served with a warning. Being one to cast common sense aside, I tried it. Not as bad as I was expecting, but not something to be tried again. Basically this is Hawaiian wall spackle. A bland substance like a thin purple porridge. I perfer the roasted taro root...

Oh and the open bar was pretty sweet too! Mai Tais anyone?